Breathe In, Breathe Out

I woke up feeling sad and confused today.
I think it's because I was thinking about my life (again), sort of reevaluating (again)
what has happened these past few days and my plans for the next few days...
It doesn't seem like a long time really but one way to value the time that you have on earth is to not take the time for granted. A second matters, and do days, and moments because they all eventually make up the big picture....
But anyway....
I think I'm trying to include too many people in my life, or maybe I'm trying to rush things.
I'm moving on from a world I've been part of for years and as cliche as this will sound it really is the "real world" (but if the world you were living in before wasn't the "real world" was it a "fake world"?....yes. yes it was.)
Another problem is that some things are happening to fast with some people and not happening at all with others.
I've lost my friend like I was I afraid I would, and maybe it's my fault. But I've made it clear to him I don't want us to be awkward and still want him in my life.
Doesn't make a difference. Haven't spoken to him in weeks and miss him.
And then while it's great that other people would love to be in my life, what if I don't want them there?? You cannot force yourself in someone's life if they make it explicitly clear they are not comfortable having any kind of relationship with you...
I am too self-preserving to pretend that I can deal with things, and I know I can't.
I eat healthy. I think healthy. I try to feel healthy...
I know that I am prone to rushing things when I feel that I may be missing out on something important. But maybe I need to learn that you can't rush experiences.
If something will happen, then I can try my damnest to stop it and that may work, but most times it doesn't.
This also means I can't make something happen when it's not the right time or circumstances.
Hopefully I have time to get around to seeing what everyone is talking about....that really big secret that makes people who know it smile...But on terms that work for real, not just because I want it to.




...despite this I close my eyes and tilt my head towards the sky...