Untitled for now.

Stuck inside of this house, I am stuck inside of my mind. Unlike my mind, this house is empty and quiet and it sleeps.

I don't ever sleep.

I rage against the inside of my eyeballs, the crazed person inside screaming 'WHERE ARE ALL OF THE PEOPLE????'

And I am still alone....In moments like these, a silent din; a white noise, I despair.

Escaping into fantasies with rhythm and beats, lyrics and melodies musical artists swaddle me in their voices and ideas of which I dream.

I dream of a world where each song is a person born only to tell me their story. Held at my mercy, their lives lay on the threshold of my interest....

And when their story comes to an end, I am still alone in my world. In my mind.

And I can't sleep, once again.

how can one sleep with some many things to ponder?... Life, Death, and Everything in between...

Worry and Pain that I dare not let anyone see...

Music and Love and how these words are synonymous with each other...

Or how about the social construction of race?

Or things that hold you back, like the fear of failure that leads to failure anyway because you're unable to take risks or to give your all?

The simple things in life that I love, even if I know that life is too hard for me to have them. Like unlimited time to myself to read and write and discover music and people and enjoy a cup of tea sitting not standing at a bus stop.

Life is what you make it, but it is also what others make for you.

So maybe if I do my part and try to help make someone else's life better, another will do the same for me?

Maybe. I have found that people I've tried to directly effect in a positive way only expected more out of me and forgot to give back in return.

At this time I am stripped down to my bare minimum, down to my center. My outer layers are peeled back and you can see the waiting working of my heart pumping my soul's blood to my vital organs...

Stripped down to my least denominator in an effort to self examine and reflect on life's chances, my failures and successes.

My heartaches and pains... responsibilities that hold me down and hold me together.

I am stripped down, skull broken open so you can see my mind bright with signals flashing can anybody see me?...S.O.S.

Save Our Souls...

The name of the game is Humiliation and Thanks for your Admiration

When I see HER it is a lesson in humility and regret....Her welcoming smile rebukes me for even imagining I could maybe be happy with someone else. Insisting on both hug and kiss at both arrival and departure is just a watered down version of....what we used to do.Although the seemingly childish forms of affection are just as capable of conveying her lust for my body and mind as any heated session of...what we used to do.
What we used to do....what we did...
in a dark room w/ the television blaring loud and ignored....it held us together.
I'm guilty by association. ...I'll do what I can so you can do what you have to...
She marks my notebooks with hidden and quieted decelerations of love that would not be accepted if she yelled this from rooftops....She knows this...
So she declares all over pages and pages...









I still refuse to hear and still I've proven myself guilty by "what I did to HER"
#123,456,789,000th I"m sorry. Will one more be enough? Do they really heal broken hearts?
Well. I'm sorry.
That blame is given to the one left standing.
I'm sorry.
If I've made it hard to let go.

She's So High Above Me....

like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc or Aphrodite....

I've discovered my love for women. I've realized that I've deceived myself into thinking a homosexual relationship would work out easier than a heterosexual one....

In reality I'm more exposed and therefore more defensive and emotional and withdrawn all at the same time that I've turned myself in circles....

Women.... She's touch, smell, sight, taste and sound.... What can I even offer?

I've been looking for myself in all the wrong places yet, I just can't stop. The most compelling thing about a woman's mind and body is that it's so like your own yet not....

I can't sleep. I've begun college and have had three relationships with women in these busy months and I have finally turned eighteen this past saturday......... and yet. I'm not satisfied. I want so much more. Maybe this is what it means to grow up? (i'm sorry; more cliches)

Or maybe just to simply be human? I mean... who doesn't want more? There are so many things I yearn for.... the simple and complicated things that can either fulfill you or just leave you searching and reaching.... never quite satisfied.

When do you stop looking and just accept what you have? When do you say 'I think I'm ready to give in'?

The push and pull of the tidal wave of this world , do you let yourself drown?

No. You Don't. <3

Tal Bachman | She's So High
Uploaded by phatt.

It's reaching 80 and you're reaching me....

I believe in spring and I believe in you and me...
I believe in the GOLDEN GLOWS of these afternoons and I believe I can live with or without you....
I love spring because of the cherry blossoms; and the blue skies and the colours that would be dulled in winter...
I love, even more the feelings of possibility. Unlimited possibility because the days are impossibly long and the heights of your dreams unimaginable...
Sometimes, though I wish it wouldn't come. It's the cowardice in me. Because things that were accepted as the desperation of winter aren't accepted in the inevitable change of the season.
It's time to shape up and recommit to maintaining the balance and equilibrium of your relationship of your soul to the world.
Time to make peace.
Not to sound like a hippie or anything. =]
So now that would be almost criminal not to be effective, here's what I would like to do to...I guess... get into the swing of things....
-Volunteer to clean up parks, soup kitchens, beautify rundown buildings, etc.
-concerts (recommit to music)
-start making jewelry again
-take my little sister out more to try to make our relationship better
-help my friends get their lives together and stop enabling them

That's all I can think of now. But basically just bettering my life and help those around me to do the same.
It's all in the name of love.

U2 - Pride (In The Name Of Love)
Uploaded by huntylch

just a very little education for you, on me, by them...

Just get back up when it knocks you down...

Here's to all the sinners in the world. Maybe one day we'll be saints.
To all those who have loved and lost. Maybe we'll find it again.
To all those with child-like souls. Maybe we'll find a kindred spirit.
******

I couldn't sleep last night. And I woke up this morning.
I was thinking about the world....And where I would like to be in it.
Where I would like to be in the next ten minutes, in two years, later in the day....I would like to do.
There are some people who inspire me to do things that are slightly above the ordinary.
Not superstars or world renowned scientists or anything.
Just people who are my good friends and my close family. Amazing musicians, artists, writers....
People I know and love. They inspire me....
I heard or read a quote once, saying "Inspiration is for those lacking creativity..."
Or some such nonsense. I'll give the definition.

n⋅spire

   /ɪnˈspaɪ^ər/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [in-spahy^uhr] Show IPA verb, -spired, -spir⋅ing.

–verb (used with object)

1.	to fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence: His courage inspired his followers.

2.	to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.): to inspire confidence in others.

3.	to fill or affect with a specified feeling, thought, etc.: to inspire a person with distrust.

4.	to influence or impel: Competition inspired her to greater efforts.

5.	to animate, as an influence, feeling, thought, or the like, does: They were inspired by a belief in a better future.

6.	to communicate or suggest by a divine or supernatural influence: writings inspired by God.

7.	to guide or control by divine influence.

8.	to prompt or instigate (utterances, acts, etc.) by influence, without avowal of responsibility.

9.	to give rise to, bring about, cause, etc.: a philosophy that inspired a revolution.

10.	to take (air, gases, etc.) into the lungs in breathing; inhale.

11.	Archaic. a. to infuse (breath, life, etc.) by breathing (usually fol. by into). b. to breathe into or upon.

If you read all those definitions, they all allude to creation. creating a breath, a revolution, a feeling of exaltation....Inspiration leads to creation.
The most wonderful thing about the relationship of this universe and a human mind is that the universe provides an infinite amount of things to touch, see, feel, taste, hear and experience that inspiration is all around us.
You just have to let it effect you.
And the beautiful thing is that what is something that was created, like music, was inspired but also gives inspiration to someone else...giving way to something else to be created.
Maybe that's why circles are the most perfect shape. (Who cares what they say about triangles)

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I woke up feeling sad and confused today.
I think it's because I was thinking about my life (again), sort of reevaluating (again)
what has happened these past few days and my plans for the next few days...
It doesn't seem like a long time really but one way to value the time that you have on earth is to not take the time for granted. A second matters, and do days, and moments because they all eventually make up the big picture....
But anyway....
I think I'm trying to include too many people in my life, or maybe I'm trying to rush things.
I'm moving on from a world I've been part of for years and as cliche as this will sound it really is the "real world" (but if the world you were living in before wasn't the "real world" was it a "fake world"?....yes. yes it was.)
Another problem is that some things are happening to fast with some people and not happening at all with others.
I've lost my friend like I was I afraid I would, and maybe it's my fault. But I've made it clear to him I don't want us to be awkward and still want him in my life.
Doesn't make a difference. Haven't spoken to him in weeks and miss him.
And then while it's great that other people would love to be in my life, what if I don't want them there?? You cannot force yourself in someone's life if they make it explicitly clear they are not comfortable having any kind of relationship with you...
I am too self-preserving to pretend that I can deal with things, and I know I can't.
I eat healthy. I think healthy. I try to feel healthy...
I know that I am prone to rushing things when I feel that I may be missing out on something important. But maybe I need to learn that you can't rush experiences.
If something will happen, then I can try my damnest to stop it and that may work, but most times it doesn't.
This also means I can't make something happen when it's not the right time or circumstances.
Hopefully I have time to get around to seeing what everyone is talking about....that really big secret that makes people who know it smile...But on terms that work for real, not just because I want it to.




...despite this I close my eyes and tilt my head towards the sky...

I believe in futures....

I believe in futures like Jimmy Eats World believes in futures.
Maybe even more...like immigrants coming to America believes in futures...
Or first year college students....
Yeah. like them. Sometimes (i.e. all the time) I think about my own future and try to envision it...
In two years I see me in college. In five years I see me out of college toying with the idea of a Masters or going to start my working life in a different state...
Just striking out on my own. In California. Where the streets are paved in gold...
In ten years... I never get that far. It's too much into the future.
I want my life to mean something but I don't know exactly what yet.
I'm thinking along the lines of saving the environment, human rights, equality, justice; that sort of thing.
Maybe one day I'll be able to bring peace and happiness to those who have never known it.
But I'll begin by continuing my education at Hofstra. For Now.



...as the instrumentals mesmerize me the rise of so many voices in harmony step on my soul

Laughter was my lullaby, the sun my alarm clock...

I have beloved friends. Here they are...

This is Zak.

This is Sim.

This is Jim and Lany.

...And I adore them. If words were ever enough.

Over the pulse of the beat is the soaring soprano of the violin and the melting alto of cello....

...and its like, having your fingers ballet across the love letter i wrote in braile on my heart, and you tell me you feel nothing

And there's so much depth to my heart babe, but don't be scared I won't let you drown...

I feel as if trouble follows me around. But I don't mind, I court it. I freakin flirt with trouble and encourage my friends to do the same.
But it's for they're own good... It gives them perspective and keeps their options open.
Sometimes I worry that I am an emotional robot- doing things and saying things beacuse that is what society expects me to do and say that I feel. When in truth, it's hard for me to safely feel anything at all.
My parents are divorced. I don't have much faith in love.
Although I desperately want to. And I do love people...just not in any romantic sense.
(But I know that I can...if maybe I try?)
I don't want to get into the whole cliche " How do you know it's love?..and is it in love or just love?...is there a difference?..."
Hm. I don't know if those are questions of self indulgence and arrogance or important, pivotal questions.
Like "Who are you?"
although I'm convinced the question isn't
"Who are you?" it's "Who are you being?"
But back to the point. The reason I was thinking about this is because like most teenage girls in American society, I've have had a few boyfriends. Meaning that I have a few exes...and one these people believes so strongly in love with all the poetry in his soul and the hope in his heart...
that he tries too hard. Which is both a good and bad thing for him and me.
I desperately wanted to be in love with him but didn't know how.
I don't know what he was thinking, but I know that no one will ever be enough until he learns how to love himself...
Or whatever. In all honesty I don't like this subject because it's so trivial and there is nothing I can do about it for any one of the people in my life.
But he was the closest I ever came. And it didn't work out. Hence my mistrust in relationships.

Tonight was the talent show. Instead of putting his love into a person he put's it into music. I understand, I do the same.

New beginnings are hard to live by. Not by any lack of determination, but because of a family that doesn't believe that I'm okay. When I say I don't want to talk about something, it's for a reason.

After tomorrow it's Easter break. I'm ready.

And After the melody in came the beat...beat...of the bass

Rainy Days and Mondays Always...

Let me know, Let me know...
Man, God Bless Aaliyah. Absolutely gorgeous, I swear. When I think of all the artists and powerful changers that have died without the chance to finish their work in this lifetime, it makes me so sad.
Because no one else can finish what they've started.
And so on...
I was speaking to one of my close friends today, Simmi.
And she asked me in the middle of our conversation, why I suddenly got so quiet. And the funny thing is, I hadn't realized that I had.
I told her that sometimes I have so many things going on in my head that sometimes I just don't have words.

Sometimes I have too much to say that I don't say anything.

Another funny things is, my parents are saying the same things. And I don't understand, because I myself don't see the difference...Or don't feel the difference in myself.
I asked my other good friend, Zak if she saw a change in me and she told me she didn't. I don't know...
But people change according to the changes and events in their lives.
So everyone is bound to have some change, sometime in their life.
Moving on...

I was listening to this song on my way home from school today. It's one of those songs that always strikes a chord in me that I would never dowload because when I hear it on the radio, It's always at the most perfect moment...


Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like
June, hey, hey
Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the
Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's room to grow, hey, hey
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried
romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way

better yet...



I have many close friends. Sometimes they're the only one's keeping me on a path that won't completely ruin my future. They're my first chosen family...

The first that was created...

I wonder if anyone will find this. I'm listening to Shrek in the backround right now, and usually its wonderfully distracting but right now it irritates me with the whole ridiculousness of it.
Its still comic genius.
Before the beginning, I thought alot about truth. It was recurring theme in all of my real-life journals. I believe that It's absolutely okay to lie as long as it doesn't hurt anybody and as long as you're not lieing to yourself. It's one of my absolutely unbreakable rules, to never lie to myself.
If you can't tell yourself the truth, who can you tell it to?
Or if you're are lieing to yourself, how do you expect other to tell you the truth?
Comprende?
I don't know if I'll continue this blog after this entry.
But I have a feeling that I will. I'm getting this satisfying feeling I get when I get a beautiful new empty journal.
tres bien.
I'm listening to Shrek argueing with Donkey about his swamp and wanting to be left alone with his swamp and his wall.
To be left alone in peace and safety from the world. I feel for him.
Haha now he's picking out constellations. loving it...hating it...
Oh and I guess maybe I should tell 'you' (i.e. the future me reading this blog) about myself.
This is me after the beginning already began.
If you know what I mean.
I am Jamaican and I have dreads but do no call me a Rastafarian, I warn you.
It's just that don't try to understand something you know nothing about but what you here from tv and the one song from Bob Marley and The Wailers. I will rip you apart.
I have best friends, maybe you will get to know them. I am still growing and learning.
I love to listen to the tv but hate to watch it really. I sing, I write, I dance, I steal things...like hearts and chapstick and scrungies and time for myself to think and to remember to feel.
Sometimes i do forget how to feel. I am easily detatched, but this doesn't mean I'm indifferent to people.
I love strongly and my love lasts for a long time. Which could be either a good or a bad thing.
I'm going to end it here. If I say everything now, what will I tell you later?


But I'll tell you this one last thing...In the beginning, there was a melody drifting throught the atmosphere...