Untitled for now.

Stuck inside of this house, I am stuck inside of my mind. Unlike my mind, this house is empty and quiet and it sleeps.

I don't ever sleep.

I rage against the inside of my eyeballs, the crazed person inside screaming 'WHERE ARE ALL OF THE PEOPLE????'

And I am still alone....In moments like these, a silent din; a white noise, I despair.

Escaping into fantasies with rhythm and beats, lyrics and melodies musical artists swaddle me in their voices and ideas of which I dream.

I dream of a world where each song is a person born only to tell me their story. Held at my mercy, their lives lay on the threshold of my interest....

And when their story comes to an end, I am still alone in my world. In my mind.

And I can't sleep, once again.

how can one sleep with some many things to ponder?... Life, Death, and Everything in between...

Worry and Pain that I dare not let anyone see...

Music and Love and how these words are synonymous with each other...

Or how about the social construction of race?

Or things that hold you back, like the fear of failure that leads to failure anyway because you're unable to take risks or to give your all?

The simple things in life that I love, even if I know that life is too hard for me to have them. Like unlimited time to myself to read and write and discover music and people and enjoy a cup of tea sitting not standing at a bus stop.

Life is what you make it, but it is also what others make for you.

So maybe if I do my part and try to help make someone else's life better, another will do the same for me?

Maybe. I have found that people I've tried to directly effect in a positive way only expected more out of me and forgot to give back in return.

At this time I am stripped down to my bare minimum, down to my center. My outer layers are peeled back and you can see the waiting working of my heart pumping my soul's blood to my vital organs...

Stripped down to my least denominator in an effort to self examine and reflect on life's chances, my failures and successes.

My heartaches and pains... responsibilities that hold me down and hold me together.

I am stripped down, skull broken open so you can see my mind bright with signals flashing can anybody see me?...S.O.S.

Save Our Souls...

The name of the game is Humiliation and Thanks for your Admiration

When I see HER it is a lesson in humility and regret....Her welcoming smile rebukes me for even imagining I could maybe be happy with someone else. Insisting on both hug and kiss at both arrival and departure is just a watered down version of....what we used to do.Although the seemingly childish forms of affection are just as capable of conveying her lust for my body and mind as any heated session of...what we used to do.
What we used to do....what we did...
in a dark room w/ the television blaring loud and ignored....it held us together.
I'm guilty by association. ...I'll do what I can so you can do what you have to...
She marks my notebooks with hidden and quieted decelerations of love that would not be accepted if she yelled this from rooftops....She knows this...
So she declares all over pages and pages...









I still refuse to hear and still I've proven myself guilty by "what I did to HER"
#123,456,789,000th I"m sorry. Will one more be enough? Do they really heal broken hearts?
Well. I'm sorry.
That blame is given to the one left standing.
I'm sorry.
If I've made it hard to let go.

She's So High Above Me....

like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc or Aphrodite....

I've discovered my love for women. I've realized that I've deceived myself into thinking a homosexual relationship would work out easier than a heterosexual one....

In reality I'm more exposed and therefore more defensive and emotional and withdrawn all at the same time that I've turned myself in circles....

Women.... She's touch, smell, sight, taste and sound.... What can I even offer?

I've been looking for myself in all the wrong places yet, I just can't stop. The most compelling thing about a woman's mind and body is that it's so like your own yet not....

I can't sleep. I've begun college and have had three relationships with women in these busy months and I have finally turned eighteen this past saturday......... and yet. I'm not satisfied. I want so much more. Maybe this is what it means to grow up? (i'm sorry; more cliches)

Or maybe just to simply be human? I mean... who doesn't want more? There are so many things I yearn for.... the simple and complicated things that can either fulfill you or just leave you searching and reaching.... never quite satisfied.

When do you stop looking and just accept what you have? When do you say 'I think I'm ready to give in'?

The push and pull of the tidal wave of this world , do you let yourself drown?

No. You Don't. <3

Tal Bachman | She's So High
Uploaded by phatt.

It's reaching 80 and you're reaching me....

I believe in spring and I believe in you and me...
I believe in the GOLDEN GLOWS of these afternoons and I believe I can live with or without you....
I love spring because of the cherry blossoms; and the blue skies and the colours that would be dulled in winter...
I love, even more the feelings of possibility. Unlimited possibility because the days are impossibly long and the heights of your dreams unimaginable...
Sometimes, though I wish it wouldn't come. It's the cowardice in me. Because things that were accepted as the desperation of winter aren't accepted in the inevitable change of the season.
It's time to shape up and recommit to maintaining the balance and equilibrium of your relationship of your soul to the world.
Time to make peace.
Not to sound like a hippie or anything. =]
So now that would be almost criminal not to be effective, here's what I would like to do to...I guess... get into the swing of things....
-Volunteer to clean up parks, soup kitchens, beautify rundown buildings, etc.
-concerts (recommit to music)
-start making jewelry again
-take my little sister out more to try to make our relationship better
-help my friends get their lives together and stop enabling them

That's all I can think of now. But basically just bettering my life and help those around me to do the same.
It's all in the name of love.

U2 - Pride (In The Name Of Love)
Uploaded by huntylch

just a very little education for you, on me, by them...

Just get back up when it knocks you down...

Here's to all the sinners in the world. Maybe one day we'll be saints.
To all those who have loved and lost. Maybe we'll find it again.
To all those with child-like souls. Maybe we'll find a kindred spirit.
******

I couldn't sleep last night. And I woke up this morning.
I was thinking about the world....And where I would like to be in it.
Where I would like to be in the next ten minutes, in two years, later in the day....I would like to do.
There are some people who inspire me to do things that are slightly above the ordinary.
Not superstars or world renowned scientists or anything.
Just people who are my good friends and my close family. Amazing musicians, artists, writers....
People I know and love. They inspire me....
I heard or read a quote once, saying "Inspiration is for those lacking creativity..."
Or some such nonsense. I'll give the definition.

n⋅spire

   /ɪnˈspaɪ^ər/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [in-spahy^uhr] Show IPA verb, -spired, -spir⋅ing.

–verb (used with object)

1.	to fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence: His courage inspired his followers.

2.	to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.): to inspire confidence in others.

3.	to fill or affect with a specified feeling, thought, etc.: to inspire a person with distrust.

4.	to influence or impel: Competition inspired her to greater efforts.

5.	to animate, as an influence, feeling, thought, or the like, does: They were inspired by a belief in a better future.

6.	to communicate or suggest by a divine or supernatural influence: writings inspired by God.

7.	to guide or control by divine influence.

8.	to prompt or instigate (utterances, acts, etc.) by influence, without avowal of responsibility.

9.	to give rise to, bring about, cause, etc.: a philosophy that inspired a revolution.

10.	to take (air, gases, etc.) into the lungs in breathing; inhale.

11.	Archaic. a. to infuse (breath, life, etc.) by breathing (usually fol. by into). b. to breathe into or upon.

If you read all those definitions, they all allude to creation. creating a breath, a revolution, a feeling of exaltation....Inspiration leads to creation.
The most wonderful thing about the relationship of this universe and a human mind is that the universe provides an infinite amount of things to touch, see, feel, taste, hear and experience that inspiration is all around us.
You just have to let it effect you.
And the beautiful thing is that what is something that was created, like music, was inspired but also gives inspiration to someone else...giving way to something else to be created.
Maybe that's why circles are the most perfect shape. (Who cares what they say about triangles)

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I woke up feeling sad and confused today.
I think it's because I was thinking about my life (again), sort of reevaluating (again)
what has happened these past few days and my plans for the next few days...
It doesn't seem like a long time really but one way to value the time that you have on earth is to not take the time for granted. A second matters, and do days, and moments because they all eventually make up the big picture....
But anyway....
I think I'm trying to include too many people in my life, or maybe I'm trying to rush things.
I'm moving on from a world I've been part of for years and as cliche as this will sound it really is the "real world" (but if the world you were living in before wasn't the "real world" was it a "fake world"?....yes. yes it was.)
Another problem is that some things are happening to fast with some people and not happening at all with others.
I've lost my friend like I was I afraid I would, and maybe it's my fault. But I've made it clear to him I don't want us to be awkward and still want him in my life.
Doesn't make a difference. Haven't spoken to him in weeks and miss him.
And then while it's great that other people would love to be in my life, what if I don't want them there?? You cannot force yourself in someone's life if they make it explicitly clear they are not comfortable having any kind of relationship with you...
I am too self-preserving to pretend that I can deal with things, and I know I can't.
I eat healthy. I think healthy. I try to feel healthy...
I know that I am prone to rushing things when I feel that I may be missing out on something important. But maybe I need to learn that you can't rush experiences.
If something will happen, then I can try my damnest to stop it and that may work, but most times it doesn't.
This also means I can't make something happen when it's not the right time or circumstances.
Hopefully I have time to get around to seeing what everyone is talking about....that really big secret that makes people who know it smile...But on terms that work for real, not just because I want it to.




...despite this I close my eyes and tilt my head towards the sky...